It Was Always for My Sake

Easter is approaching. In the business of life I have really been caught off guard with how quickly it has arrived this year. We have been spending time in our Bible studies preparing our hearts for the weekend, but it still seems as if I have been completely unaware of the holiday’s arrival.

Today though we sat in a Bible study and listened to a detailed account of the crucifixion of Christ. It isn’t the first time that I have done something like that, but this time I did it while thinking on 2 Corinthians 5:21, “For our sake He made Him to be sin who knew no sin, so that in Him we might become the righteousness of God.”

For our sake. For my sake. 

 

Before I was brought into this world; before I was conceived; before my existence was even thought of, I put a man on a cross. My sin, oh how wretched it is, put an innocent man to death. That concept is a hard one to grasp because thinking before our existence requires stepping outside of our currently reality.

Many times when I think about what Christ did for me when he died, I think about it as him dying for whatever would happen in the future, not that he was dying for what he already knew was going to happen. That he was literally dying for sins that I had yet to commit, but were still known to him.

Easter is a time for rejoicing and a time for mourning. Mourning over our sin and how we are such imperfect people who need a Savior. And a time for rejoicing because our Savior came, and loved us so much that he drank the cup of wrath so that we never have to drink that cup.

I pray this is a reality in your life today; that you are rejoicing in the love shown by our selfless Savior.

I think one thing that the Lord has shown me since I have been out here is what a huge sinner I am. When you take time to go to another country to do ministry people always encourage you by telling you how brave you are, or how the Lord is going to use you in amazing ways. And while all of those things are comforting to the uncertain girl getting on a plane for an undefined period of time, they are also a slight distraction to the reality of the situation.

If anything, being out here in the jungle, confronted with many different situations and inconveniences, I have been floored by my sinfulness. This has been the fast track to sanctification, but I am ashamed to admit how many times I have failed and not responded in the way that I should. But, as always, God has been faithful to gently bring me back to himself and give grace.

This Easter I am reminded of my Savior and his selflessness. I am reminded that He didn’t die because I might be born and sin one day, but He died because He knew that He was creating me some 2,000 years later and that I was going to sin, but He wanted to save me.

Our God is all-knowing, sacrificial, spotless, and gracious in the way that He molds us daily. I can’t wait to celebrate these things this weekend with my fellow brothers and sisters in Christ.

Please be praying for the people that we are sharing with that their eyes would be opened to the fact that Jesus really did die for their sins.

Learning to Live a Needy, Loving Life

Most of my time here in Uganda is spent with kids. It’s practically unavoidable. Back home I had my fair share of time around those of the younger age bracket, but it wasn’t at all like it is now. I could go to class, a coffee shop, work, friends’ houses, and run to the store without coming into contact with children. The life here is a different story. There are very few stolen moments throughout the day that I am not being sat on, hugged, having my hand held, jumped on, climbed on, being asked a question, pulled to go play a game, asked for a sweetie or water, tied up as the damsel in distress, or being shown something gross that someone has just killed, stepped in, or found laying in the bush. I live a very kid friendly life.

 In an effort of complete transparency, I find sincere joy in being around kids, but there are the moments that I just “need a break”. I don’t know how many times I have said that since I have been here. Before I came I couldn’t imagine every growing tired or exhausted by those sweet little faces that smile at you and shout “Jerdani! Jerdani!” (their version of Jordan). They have such innocence, spunk, sheer abandonment. Personal space or social boundaries do not apply to them. There’s no need to knock before they enter into my house because why wouldn’t I want to see them and give them a hug and play for the rest of the day until it's too dark to see on the walk home? Struggle is a reality in their little lives, but they still find the energy and excitement to run and play and shout and forget everything that is going on around them for those precious moments. My heart breaks every time that I give a kid that I have never met before a hug and immediately they are clinging to me for as long as I will allow and all of their trust has become wrapped up in this stranger who just showed them the first act of affection they have felt in days. Their world is small, but their love is large. They crave love. They need love. But don’t we all? 

Observing these kids as they eat, play, learn, interact, and live as children in a very simple world without electronics and media, has taught me so much about the basic needs of humanity; the bare essentials that we are sometimes too proud to admit that we need. I have realized that over time, I have become a very independent person who avoids admitting my need for others at the fear of looking needy or helpless. In my mind, as soon as you need the help or attention or care of others you are at the mercy of that person; which is unacceptable. I have been missing out on the joys that come from community and mutual care and concern. Sure, I have my few trusted friends that I would share my burdens with, but outside of that I would be hesitant to let on to any struggles taking place in my life. This is ironic seeing that I have a counseling degree and I’m always encouraging people to bring their issues into the light because that is the only place that they will find freedom. 

The people here in Uganda, in this village, depend on each other. They depend on each other for their physical and emotional needs. When someone is struggling or parents pass away, the kids are taken to an Auntie’s house or a Jaja’s (grandparent’s) house and looked after. There really isn’t any debate about it and the idea of Family Services is so foreign that they laugh at the idea. Of course you will take in your brother’s kids if there is any kind of need. Of course you will work another job to send money to your sister so that she can pay her school fees and finish high school. Self sacrifice for the community is assumed. There is no shame in asking and there is no pride in giving. I have to schedule time in each week to go and visit different people in the community because as soon as I begin to slack off I hear about it and they are wondering what is wrong because they haven’t had me drop by to chat. For all the years that I lived in the States, I can’t really remember just “stopping by” to chat with my neighbors, and I’m sure that they weren’t offended by that. Community is strong here; it’s an expression of concern and unity. It’s an expression of love. People want to be thought of and they want to be shown that you are making an effort to love them. It takes an effort to visit. It takes time, it takes energy to walk to their place, it takes stepping out of your comfort zone as you fumble through language barriers and cultural differences, it takes love for that person to put all that aside and put their needs before your own.

 In the first weeks that I was here I didn’t want to go visit people unless they had invited me because I thought that it would be rude to just show up. Maybe they were busy, maybe they didn’t want visitors, or maybe they would be with someone else and didn’t want to be interrupted. But I quickly discovered that if they were busy, I became busy with whatever they were doing, if they were relaxing, I would relax with them and chat and drink chai and eat some mango, and if they were with someone else I would jump into the conversation and potentially make a new friend to add to the visitation list.

 Life here is about community, literally you do life together, all of it. It’s beautiful and exhausting all at the same time. You are forced to bear the burdens of those around you. When someone is struggling, you feel their struggle, when someone is rejoicing you feel their joy, when someone is in need, you fight to meet that need. I have never felt so much a part of a community before. I have never been stripped of my pride and self-sufficiency in such a raw way. 

God has been teaching me so much about being transparent to those around me, pouring myself out to the ones I am surrounded by, and laying bare all of my boundaries and walls of pride and independence. Not only with those who I am doing life with, but also with Him. Many of my prayers have become declarations of my inability to help myself, admissions of my need for God’s mighty hand because I have no answers, no conclusions, and no solutions. God has been dealing with me in a faithful and gentle way. He is such a kind and wise God who pushes us to painfully tear off the pieces of ourselves that do not bring him glory and that hinder us from clinging only to him. I have been meditating on Psalm 30 lately and verse one has meant a lot to me when it says,

“I will extol you, O Lord, for you have drawn me up and have not let my foes rejoice over me.”

When the kids come running and shouting “Jerdani!” with their arms out and eyes shining trusting that I am going to catch them, or try my best, when they jump towards me, I can’t help but think about God as our Father drawing us into his arms. When I hold these little ones I just want to wrap my arms around them and give them enough love to last weeks and weeks until they can feel that kind of love again, I think about how the only place that we can find pure, true love that will never run out is in the arms of God. When I read this verse I think that sometimes we can be the biggest foes in our own life. We limit ourselves to love others and be loved by others, and we limit ourselves to know the true love of our Father. 

We were created to need love. We were created to love. We were created out of love.

More Precious Than Gold: Imperishable. Undefiled. Unfading.

I write this sitting outside with no shower for the 3^rd night in a row. No water. I am to the point that I am wishing for a cold shower right now. With how hot it has been for the past week the thought of the freezing water splashing all around me and running through my hair sounds like a spa treatment.

The honeymoon is over.

It has almost been 6 months since I landed here at Plot 157 Kubamitwe, Uganda; 6 wonderfully trying months. I have been encouraged, strengthened, pushed, and confronted in ways that I never expected. But no, really, most of this I didn’t expect. I expected the cold showers, no showers, bugs, lack of Target runs, and the severe absence of edible sushi. I expected to be challenged in my walk with the Lord, to grow in my faith, and to make friendships that would prove to be invaluable.

What I didn’t expect was the burdens that would be transferred from those that I have come to love to my heart. I didn’t expect to spend days and nights feeling as if my head is couldn’t hold one more thought. I didn’t expect the guilt that I would feel at the fact that I have never suffered as these people, that I have a seriously difficult time identifying.  

I have lost people close to me before, either to death or the fracturing of a relationship for one reason or another. I have felt the pressure to make ends meet when it comes to bills, tuition, rent, and groceries. I have been sick before, or known people close to me who have struggled with illness; but everything that I search my brain for and identify as some sort of trial pales in comparison to what those around me are dealing with.

Death, illness, broken families, hunger, anxiety, and depression are rearing their ugly head in the lives of those that I have come to love and been given the opportunity to minister to. Everyone has a story and not many of them have a happy ending.

A couple of weeks ago an elderly lady in one of my Bible studies lost her daughter to a botched surgery to remove the baby that she had just miscarried. Esther, the lady in my Bible study, has a heart condition which causes her to have a heart attack about once a month. Her daughter was the one who rushed her to the hospital, which is about 45 minutes away, each time that she would have an attack, and would provide the money for the treatment. Now that her daughter has passed away Esther is grieved because she has lost her daughter and anxious because there is no one who can care for her now. There is only so much that I can do in this situation. I can’t go and live with Esther, I can’t have her move in with us, I could pay for her hospital fees, but her village is about 30 minutes away from mine, so if she was to somehow reach me when she has an attack, it would take almost twice as long for me to get her to the hospital. This is when helplessness sets in pretty hard.

It is somehow difficult to go spend the day with someone in the village and help them wash their clothes by hand, pump their water from a bore hole, cook their meal over a charcoal fire, dig their food from their garden, and then sweep the dirt floor of their mud home and then go back to my cushy house that has running water, a stove, and even a new washing machine that I didn’t know how I was going to live without.

I have spent many nights praying and asking God to heal those around me. Heal them physically, spiritually, and relationally; but what I have come to see is that God can truly use suffering in someone’s life to bring glory to himself and to grow that person in their faith. I can’t count the number of times that I have heard this whether in church or a counseling class, but for the first time in my life I think that I actually believe it. I have actually come to believe 1 Peter 1:6-7 when it says, “in this you rejoice, though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials, so that the tested genuineness of your faith – more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire – may be found to result in PRAISE & GLORY & HONOR at the revelation of Jesus Christ.”

I really believe that our suffering, no matter how severe, is only for a little while. I see how it perfects our faith which is more precious than gold. And I have witnessed those who suffer choose, through their tears, to praise and worship our God who is worthy of glory and honor. God has been teaching me so much about trusting in his future grace. He is using the suffering of those around me to grow my faith and he is allowing me to witness the heart change of these loved ones who are struggling with things that I can’t begin to imagine dealing with.

As soon as I begin to feel guilty for the life that God has given me to live compared to the one that he has given to those around me I remember that we are all recipients of a future grace that proves this life to be temporary. The focus is not on the things that we have in this life, but how we glorify God in this life and hope for the one that is to come. I have learned to go without many things, but I have also learned to be thankful for the resources that God has given me and use them as selflessly as possible.

A quote from John Piper in his book Future Grace has served as a great encouragement to me these past few months. It says, “Only if we trust God to turn past calamities into future comfort can we look back with gratitude for all things…Be strong, and do not doubt that God will be as gracious in the future as he has been in the past.” I shared this with Esther as we sat and recounted all the ways that God has shown her grace in the past, and I was able to witness her tears turn from sorrow to rejoicing, she was not the only one who was praising God through their tears that afternoon. He is so good. He is so very good beyond anything that I can imagine or understand. The fact that we serve a God who can take terrible suffering and turn it into a glorious thing brings me comfort that surpasses all understanding.

Believer, contemplate your suffering today, whatever it might be, and rejoice. Rejoice because God is a loving, powerful, sovereign God who is for you, and secured for you a hope that is in heaven.

Though you have not seen him, you love him. Though you do not now see him, you believe in him and rejoice with joy that is inexpressible and filled with glory, obtaining the outcome of your faith, the salvation of your souls. 1 Peter 1:8-9

One of the nicer houses in the village. Bricks made by hand, built with love by the people who call this place home.

Cassava root. It looks gross, and sometimes it is, but it is a staple food around here. When in Rome...

Some kids from the nearby town. Who doesn't love a photo-op?

Village Profile: John Ntenderi

There is someone very special that I would like to introduce you to. His name is John Ntenderi. He is 16 years old and has one of the sweetest spirits in the village.  His dad died when he was 9 years old and so he is left with his mom, step dad and from what I can figure, 8 siblings. He is a hard worker and just finished Primary 7, which is basically like 8th grade. He will begin secondary school in February. John is a smart kid who loves Jesus and is kind to everyone he comes in contact with.

This is the look that stays on John's face most of the time.

Unfortunately, John doesn't get to enjoy most of the things that the other kids his age get to enjoy. He can't play soccer, he can't run around with the other kids, and he has to take it pretty easy when it comes to walking around standing up for too long. John has a swollen right leg that prevents him from doing any of these things and more. It has progressively gotten worse since birth, and because he family doesn't have much money at all, he hasn't been able to have it treated. 

John was one of the first people that I met when I moved here to Uganda in September. He was one of the first people at church in the morning, and came right up to introduce himself to me and ask my name. I couldn't forget the smile of this sweet kid. Later I was told by my housemate that he was in her Sunday School class and was a sweet, faithful kid. Then I noticed that he didn't really go out and play with the other kids and when I asked why they showed me his swollen leg.

It wasn't until one night I was at my house getting ready for dinner, and I heard John outside my door saying that he was hurt. When I went outside he told me that he had fallen off his bike and his arm was pretty bloody. So, like the gifted nurse that I am (sarcasm) I grabbed the medical supplies and cleaned the guy up. It wasn't a horrible cut, but it did need some attention. But, even after I bandaged it up, John was still saying that he was in pain. I asked him what was bothering him and he explained that the compression sock that he had been wearing on his leg in order to help with the swelling had lost its elasticity and wasn't doing anything anymore. So, after checking it out I told him that the next time I was in town I could pick him up a new one. But, I realized that it was only a temporary fix to his problem so I began to do a little research on his problem. 

John after his baptism. He was so excited to finally be baptized.

After Googling his symptoms and checking out what I could on WebMD, which is about the extent of my medical expertise, I figured out that John had a circulation problem and that we should have him go see a doctor so that we could get a proper diagnosis that didn't come from the internet. So off to Kampala we went. This was John's second time to the capitol, and I'm pretty sure that he was thrilled to get to go, even if it was to be poked and prodded by doctors. We spent the day running from one doctor to the next, getting everything from a general check up, to a heart echo, to ultrasounds on his leg. Eventually, we were able to figure out that he has something called Arteriovenous Malformation. Which basically means that when he was born the capillaries in his right leg weren't formed correctly so his veins and arteries aren't connected properly which causes the swelling because the blood isn't being distributed correctly. 

The doctor that diagnosed him gave us a referral to see the top vascular surgeon in Uganda to have a final test run in order to see if it is operable. Since we had just spent about 6 hours going from one doctor to the next, we didn't have time to go and see him that day, but we are going to be able to go in hopefully before Christmas sometime and see if we can get John's leg fixed. Unfortunately, the doctor said that he doesn't think that the swelling will go down all the way even if he can have the surgery because of all the damaged tissue from 16 years of swelling, but some of the swelling with go away and he won't have to deal with the pain anymore. 

He's definitely Ugandan, refusing the fork at all times.

 The hope is that John can have the surgery and be able to walk to and from school without being in severe pain, and maybe even play some soccer with his friends. He is such a sweet boy and doesn't let this thorn in the flesh hinder him from loving others and loving God. He has been to my house about 3 times since we returned from the doctors' appointments to thank me for loving him and trying to help his leg. Today he told me that even if his leg can't be fixed he will still be thankful that I took the time to try. I have learned so much from his perspective on life. John has challenged me to see all the ways that I can serve others even if there are ways that they can be serving me. John could sit around and use the fact that it's hard for him to walk as a reason that he shouldn't give of himself to those who could use a little love. There are so many smaller hurdles in my life that I am not willing to jump over in order to love others around me. Some days I wish that I didn't have to walk to bible study because it's hot, or I had a long day teaching. I can say now that when I am tempted to grumble or complain I will remember mine and John's long day in Kampala sitting and waiting all day, and how John never once showed that he was frustrated with the fact that we were not being seen right at our appointment time even if I was struggling to hold my tongue to the assistants working in the office. 

Please be in prayer for John as I continue to figure out how to best help him and get his leg healed. Pray that I would persevere as I figure out how to navigate the medical scene here in Uganda. Pray that John's doctors and surgeon would have wisdom and guidance as we move forward, and that there would be a solution to the problem. And pray that I would learn to never grumble or complain, that I would remember that every day is a gift and a blessing from the Lord.

Life As A Foolish, Weak, Lowly Vessel of God

Elisa, John, Kazibwe, and I lovin the church-wide fellowship.

Matoke, beans, rice, greens, and posho. Servin it up Ugandan style.

Anette, a teacher at our primary school was baptized at our 4 year anniversary.

We made a mail run today. By we I am not including myself. It would be more accurate to say that we sent for the mail. You see, there is no mailbox here in the village. The mail comes to the post office in Luwero, the nearest town about 35 minutes from Kubamitwe, and it sits in our PO Box until we send for it and a boda man brings the whole lot of letters and packages, sans junk mail because paper isn't wasted here in Uganda on super saver coupons.

The rambling about our means of mail delivery is to say that today was a very special mail delivery day because it brought me three sweet letters from three special people. Two were from aunts of mine just writing about how they are praying for me and all that the Lord is doing in their lives back home in Georgia, complete with some much appreciated VIA Packets. The other was from one of my dearest friends, Lizzie Griffith. We had agreed before I left that we would write each other while I was gone, the old fashioned way. I'm pretty sure the agreement was based on our mutual love for adorable stationary, but a deal is a deal, and I am much appreciative of this said agreement.

I opened the letter with a smile on my face because if it was nearly as funny as our text messages that I have been missing dearly, then I knew that it was going to be a good read. And the letter didn't disappoint. I will admit, it made me miss home a bit, but the end of the letter was the best part. The Lord had used 1 Corinthians 1:26-31 to encourage Lizzie recently and she was inspired by the Spirit to share it with me, so I have chosen to share it once more, probably the millionth time it has been shared since Paul was inspired to write it to the Corinthians hundreds of years ago:

"For consider your calling brothers: not many of you were wise according to worldly standards, not many were powerful, not many were of noble birth. But God chose what is foolish in the world to shame the wise; God chose what is weak in the world to shame the strong; God chose what is low and despised in the world, even things that are not, to bring to nothing things that are, so that no human being might boast in the presence of God. And because of him you are in Christ Jesus, who became to us wisdom from God, righteousness and sanctification and redemption, so that, as it is written, 'Let the one who boasts, boast in the Lord.'"

This encouragement could not have come at a better time. Much of what I have been doing the past few weeks is considering my calling. I am going to be honest and admit that there have been more than a few times that I have asked myself, "What am I doing here?" and "How am I supposed to make any sort of difference when there is so much to be done?". I am not the most talented, I am not the smartest, I am flawed, I am easily discouraged, and there are more times than I can count that my faith is not strong, but rather it falters and I choose to turn to myself rather than the Lord.

This verse was exactly what I needed to read when I opened one of my first letters here in Uganda. Consider your calling…consider that God has chosen what is weak to shame the strong, consider that God has chosen what is low and despised so that we will not boast. He gave us Christ Jesus, who became wisdom, righteousness, sanctification, and redemption. What more do we need? There is no requirement that I be the best communicator, that I know how to handle every interpersonal situation that arises, or that I have the ability to review all conversations and relationships with perfect discernment. The requirement is that I proclaim salvation that comes through Jesus Christ and allow the Lord to work through me so that all of my boasting and bragging can be on the things that God is doing through me and the people I get to serve with here at SOS Ministries.

Speaking of bragging…

We just had the privilege of hosting a team from Placerita Baptist Church and Legacy Christian Academy in Santa Clarita, CA for a week and with their help we were able to plant over 200 fruit bearing trees at the houses of the students that attend our primary school here so that they can grow, harvest, and share some of the fruit with the school to supplement the students' lunches. We built a kitchen for a mother in a neighboring village so that she can provide food for her children even when it is raining outside, avoiding cooking over an open fire in the pouring rain. A full size soccer field was built enabling SOS to host the local villages' soccer games and use them as an opportunity to share the gospel with the athletes. There was  a date night at the church for 35 married couples who had most likely never been on a date before talking about how marriages are created by God to represent Christ and the Church and couples are to complete one another and help each other love Jesus more. We celebrated the 4 year anniversary of Community Bible Church of Kubamitwe, serving a celebratory lunch to over 500 people from the surrounding villages. And lastly, witnessed 14 baptisms from different believers in the church who had recently accepted Christ as their Savior or had chosen to make their profession of faith public after many years of salvation.

Let the one who boasts, boast in the Lord. He has been so kind to the ministry of SOS here in Kubamitwe, the surrounding villages, and in the churches all over Uganda. Many meetings have been taking place between SOS and the leaders of the Baptist Union of Uganda which oversees over 1500 churches all over the country. God is at work here in Uganda. He is calling the Church back to himself and using many men and women to bring truth to churches that are lacking anything similar to that.

Please be in prayer for the people of Uganda, for the Baptist Union, for the people of Kubamitwe and the villages that surround it, and for all of us here at SOS. Pray that we can have love for all that we come in contact with, that we aren't overwhelmed by the need, and that we can find our strength from the Lord when our bodies and minds are tired.

I encourage you to read 1 Corinthians 1:26-31 again and praise God for his kindness in using those who are broken and incapable for the advancement of his Kingdom, and pray that he will show you how you can be used to further his Kingdom wherever he has you today.